Sunday, January 17, 2016

Fallen into the well

I fell into the bottomless dark pit, the "well of pretending": pretending that everything is great when underneath I'm breaking apart, pretending that I have the most beautiful life when I'm choking onto my worthlessness. Every night I wait until everyone is asleep to let all the tears I've been holding on the whole day. I feel trapped into this dark side of me, being angry all the time, being frustrated not be able to unlock my potential, feeling worthless. Depression weighs hard on me.

When I browse onto the Internet, I take a glimpse into others' life : joy, laughter and love. Oooooh!! How I envy them... My childhood was ok. My parents did tend to primary needs : food/clothes and education. But I don't recall to have been hugged, to be encouraged, ...
Friends, I guess... I have none. I'm always the one who calls just to check in, the one who sends cards just because I was feeling like it, well the one who cares.
As I'm falling into the well, my husband is falling out of love : "get a job", "get the kids ready for school","why are you complaining?, you can have anything you want! I feel unloved and sad, I feel numb inside. It breaks my heart as I'm sinking more deeply. I don't want to hurt the kiddies but I haven't enough strength to snap out of my depression, nor the courage to end my life.

I sought professional help but I haven't found the key to unlock the door. So I keep falling into the abyss. Blogging was a kinda of therapy for me, a way to unload this ball of emotions and to share with people who are going/went through the same thing. So far and as usual, no one was there.
I wish for all my heart to look at this post in a couple of  years and laugh because I tell myself I did it, I overcome my depression instead of a mute crying for help.

Smelting in the sun.